James Spader

I haven't written in ages. I've written some comedy, but I haven't felt confident in it. I'm terrified to put pen to paper academically and I just sort of forgot this existed? I remembered that I'd started this a safe space to get my musings out without fear. I'm hoping if I write here again it'll alleviate my fears writing elsewhere. There is an elephant in the room with us though, my friends: ✨my mental health✨. 

March 2023, I was rapidly approaching the end of my undergraduate degree. This is a huge adjustment for anyone, lots of decisions to be made and absolutely none of them felt like the right one and it didn't feel like I could get a firm grasp on anything. I would say I took a steady decline from here, before just over a year later my back gave way in my kitchen in what I believe to be my body's way of telling me to just stop and take a break. However, to make out I've only struggled with my mental health in the last year and half would be a lie. I started going to therapy around the time my back gave way. I've made massive achievements and I've learnt a lot about myself, mainly that I don't really know myself very well and that I deserve more attention, love, and respect from me. I've had a lot of support from my nearest and dearest, and they know how much I love them and I can never thank them enough for how they've held me in this period. There is one of other person I'd like to thank though... 

16th March 2023, I watched Secretary (2002) for the first time. Yes, I really am about to thank James Spader. I love having an obsession, it's something that could be used to map my entire life. I thought I'd hate Secretary, I put it on thinking it'd be a misogyny fest that'd piss me off. Credit to my friend George for knowing me better than I know myself, "I think you'll be surprised Beth..." I hadn't had an obsession in ages. I didn't realise how much I'd missed having one, because I realised that it's my me-time. It's the only time I fully indulge myself and do something unapologetically for me. Its sounds ridiculous, I know, but watching all 49 of James Spader's films is one of the healthiest thing I did in the last year and a half. 

I think James Spader is absolutely gorgeous. I think he has an energy and allure that I have never seen in another human being before, I find him absolutely intoxicating. I think it is one thousand and ten percent all about control and the freedom that can afford us. It is very rare to see Spader play a character is who out of control or who is uncomfortable, and his establishing of control is always done subtly, it is rare to watch him lose his shit. Yet, his most famous roles are in films all about sex, lust, and desire and typically playing at the most extreme ends of this spectrum, what some might consider deviant behaviour, non-conforming, and certainly, a total lack of control. I think what I have come to learn from watching Spader is that you can only truly be unapologetically 'deviant' if you are in control, you can only reject conformity once you are comfortable and confident in your own skin. I'm not saying I'm going to start curbing my car and having a wank about it (Crash, 1996), but what I am saying is I've spent my whole life people-pleasing and doing what needs to be done to make those around me feel comfortable and confident and within that I've totally lost myself. I haven't felt a slice of control for almost two years, I couldn't get ahold on my own life, and so as silly as it is, watching someone exert such control so effortlessly has been hugely comforting. In fact, I showed my friend Charlotte a film where Spader is acting erratic and I realised afterwards my whole body was tense and I felt sick and I said, "that's how I feel all the time, that's the rate it feels like my body is running at all the time." I've felt oddly at ease when held by Spader's intense eye contact and the subtly in his tone of voice makes me feel like everything is going to be fine, for that whatever-run-time I can just let go. 

It's also just been a lot of fun watching an actor's whole filmography. James Spader has, respectfully, made a lot of shit! I've laughed so much, I've shared that laughter with lots of my favourite people. It's really silly and giddy to have a crush, to feel like kicking my feet whenever I see a picture of him. My adoration for this man has become a running joke in my comedy which feels really dumb and fun, but its oddly also really helped me cement who I am as performer, how I write, and how these things will look in the future. I'm not saying James Spader has helped me, I don't know him, he could be an awful person (he better fucking not be), but I have put so much hard work into me and I'm so bad at recognising my achievements that hiding a pat on the back for myself in a love letter to James Spader felt appropriate. I have done all the work to put myself on the road to feeling better, and I've worked bloody hard, it's just been really useful having this wonderful, little, freak's filmography along for the ride. It has been a framework, a safety net, a blanket, a textbook, and a distraction. 

With all obsessions comes digging and reading and learning. James Spader has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, every day he struggles with feeling in control. We are all just human, we all complex, beautiful, and interesting. I started taking anti-depressants a week ago for the first time in my life, I don't know if they'll work, but I won't stop trying. I turn 24 at the weekend, I plan to watch Secretary as a birthday present to myself. 

Thanks James🫀

p.s. As I finished re-reading and editing this, I'm Your Man by Leonard Cohen started playing.